Pop-Tarts for the Older Person, by Joy Dickerson

The people who make Pop-Tarts are missing the key market for Pop-Tarts: the aging...the middle-aged...people like me. We eat Pop-Tarts. We love them. We stray to generic brands but always return shame-faced to the mother ship of toaster pastries. In my mind, Pop-Tarts are just about the perfect food. Sweet, safe, digestible, and easy to prepare--that's a lot of value for your money. (And, for you thrill seekers, remember that Pop-Tarts are potentially flammable if toasted on a setting higher than "uncooked.") (No, young people, don't try this at home--I'm warning you.)

Speaking of young people (even parenthetically), that's the target market, apparently, for Pop-Tarts. The flavors used to be pretty standard: strawberry, grape, and the ultimate favorite brown-sugar cinnamon. I remember when icing was added. It was revolutionary. We had to try it. Sweeter, safer, more digestible (and probably more flammable). But now the flavors are getting pretty wild--tutti-frutti, s'mores, watermelon, exotic swirls in garish colors. The give-aways (don't you save your proof-of-purchases?) are totally tween oriented.

This juvie marketing has a desperate tinge to it...youth are insatiable for the new. Remember when suckers were just suckers? And then they put tootsie rolls in the middle--an amazing innovation--and then bubble gum in the middle--it got out of hand pretty quick. (Although, whoever invented ring-pops was a true genius.) Candy on a string, however, never quite made it into the advertising age--and remember those candy pills on a strip of paper...

Wait a minute, what was I talking about--oh yeah, middle age. I mean, Pop-Tarts for the middle aged. We have special needs and we spend lots of money to meet them. Most of them seem to involve excretory organs--sinuses, sphincters, tubules, and various peristaltic processors. We also worry about staying young-looking. Here, then are a few varieties of Pop-Tarts for marketing to the pre-senior crowd.

Pop-Tarts Silver: These treats would be iced with shiny silver frosting and feature a filling infused with Centrum Silver elderly-person vitamins. Why swallow a pill when you can have a Pop-Tart? Pop-Tarts Silver for women might feature a girlish pink stripe, while men's Silver would be slightly scented with Old Spice.

Pop-Up Pop-Tarts: What better way to retain youthful vigor than Pop-Tarts with Viagra chips in the filling? This is a bit foul to say, but you could have your Pop-Tart and "eat it," too. Warning: Any Pop-Tart remaining rigid for longer than four hours (a life-threatening condition) should be taken to the emergency room for medically supervised deflation.

Pop-Tarts Olay: Laced with hormone replacement supplements, these delicious, slightly Olay-flavored Pop-Tarts are packaged with a dollop of Oil of Olay to keep your skin looking as young as these Pop-Tarts leave you feeling. Icing will be striped with ylang-ylang, whatever that is, because it is rumored to be rejuvenating.Co-packaged with the Pop-Up Pop-Tarts. 

Pop-Tarts DF: Yes, that DF stands for the topic most middle-aged conversations get around to: dietary fiber. The orange-flavored MetamuciTarts will keep you regular as clockwork without that dreaded gritty texture.

Pop-Tarts Natural DF: Same as above, but with wheat germ in the filling and a top studded with granola, rolled oats and perhaps pine cones. Many parts are edible. 

Dried Plum Pop-Tarts: These will be almost as popular as the DF version. Note that "dried plums" is the new way to say "prunes."

Gotta Go Pop-Tarts: This somewhat chewy toaster pastry can function as an emergency substitute for adult incontinence products. (Microwaving not recommended.)

Pop-Tart Pharming: Instead of sending your prescriptions to the mail-in drug place, you send them to the Pop-Tart Pharm bakery, which will prepare Pop-Tarts with just the right dosages of your medicines in them, blended with banana pudding filling to disguise the taste. Only problem: peeling off all those warning labels before eating.

Oxy-Pop-Tartiates: Pop-Tarts laced with popular prescription pain killers. You can start with just one very six hours and then work your way up to several a day. When you start pawning the silverware for your next "pop," you know you've got a problem. Use only as directed.

Is this enough? Have I beat this topic into a flat pasty dough yet? My conclusion: Pop-Tarts are only limited by your imagination...but unfortunately your imagination may be limited. That is all.

Addendum

Here are a couple more.

No-Ox Pop-Tarts: This flavor is chock full of anti-oxidants--fighters of those "free radicals" (such as President Obama and myself) that cause so much fuss. The filling will be pomegranate-broccoli and the icing will be a coating of that classic anti-oxidant primer-colored Rust-o-leum spray paint.

Joint Tarts: Retain heat long enough to be used on creaky joints and muscle strains. Do not apply directly onto festering wounds.

Diet Pop-Tarts: Just kidding.